Scratch

These thoughts were triggered by the reminder that God is always fair…

If I were to tell you that for 20+ years my family has actively participated in creating obstacles for the sole purpose of reenforcing the regression of my mental state; then go on to say that I have been trying to escape this ‘scary-go-round’ for almost as long as that but every time I have found a way out I am somehow tethered back to this trauma…you would probably feel a deep sense of sadness for me right? Then I’d tell you that I’ve been diagnosed as ‘bipolar’ and magically..all your empathy would slowly fade away. All you would eventually be left with is reasonable doubt…and concern…for my ability to sanely judge my situation. But…this is my real life story. And today, I received more confirmation that my ‘bipolar brain’ isn’t making this up.

I woke up at 6am today in order to get my niece to a school function that no one else could get her to. Did I complain about the disruption to my sleep pattern even though I went to sleep late last night…annoyed by a familial trigger attempt I narrowly escaped? No. But did I deep dive into a full state of mania after being triggered again this morning? Sure did. I spent 2 hours texting the Gang Goofy chat, on and off, a minimum of 15 messages. I had a lot of time to kill because I had to wait for ’CC’ to get through with her festivities so the texting was as convenient as it was cathartic. After around the 10th text, I could feel my spirit try to rein me in but I was too far gone. I had just witnessed yet another generational curse being passed down and when I addressed it privately…I was met with disrespect. So…I addressed it publicly. But after receiving the instant karma that awaits me for choosing to ‘go low’…I was reminded that when I embarrass one of my family members in the chat…I receive the same amount of humiliation outside of it.

I know ‘karma’ is the balancing out of energies…but for those who don’t prescribe to it…just look at it like a remix of the ‘golden rule’. What you do to others will be done to you. So today, after emotionally exploding on the group about how they are '“lil mangy dogs” who were trying to get me fired by requiring I dedicate so much of my work schedule to taking care of a responsibility that doesn’t even belong to me...among many…many…many other toxic things said by me….I wasn’t surprised when I was later outed for a flaw of mine that I do my best to conceal. Whenever embarrassment finds my location, I have noticed there’s always something I’ve recently done to bring embarrassment to someone else. So…my exposè is compensation, in order for God to balance out the energies.

When I got home, post embarrassment, I stood at my bathroom counter going over my moments of paralyzing humiliation. After the tear gas cleared…I asked myself if it was worth it? The way that yes flew out my mind created some comic relief for my bruised ego. Because if the ‘balance bill’ for telling an unflattering truth about someone is having someone else discover an unflattering truth about me…I’d take that over biting my tongue, IF the truth I’m speaking is negatively affecting me or someone I love. The death of my pride is just par for the course.

Full Disclosure: I have no idea how to golf and I had to Google these terms.

Love,

Choosy