GardenTools
These thoughts were triggered by my need to transmute these emotions so I don’t go on a text rant in the group chat at 1am…
They got me again. I was given the context clues and still didn’t see this set up coming! These hoes really have me right in the middle of a trigger attempt…the week of my shared birthday. “I’m appalled.” My twin spoke about me being ‘committed’ to the looney bin in the last screenshots I posted but I missed the fullness of this clue. I should’ve known better than to react to the stranger danger date because that’s what’s being used to validate their attempt to cut me out of my niece’s birthday celebration. I already spoke about my little sister rescinding my invitation but that went in one eye and out the other because she already gave me the address of the function. So I’m crashing the party either way it goes. But because I don’t want the party to revolve around our tension…I text her yesterday asking whether she had already ordered the cake. She told me I was blocked towards the end of our last ‘talk’ but I still texted my question. An answer was never given so today I texted my twin to ask who was handling the decorations, goodie bags, cake….etc. I usually volunteer to take care of these things so I asked my twin…to ask my little sister…if this year would be the same. She never wrote back either.
Normally, their silence would send me on an all day ranting spree in the chat because my fear of being cut off from my last piece of family would have kicked in. And the only way I knew how to calm the rage that follows is by showing up, uninvited, on their phone screens. I usually text back to back to back, in a manic kind of way, and I was really close to jumping off that same ledge. I sent two texts that could be seen as psychologically unsound, but then I recognized where it was leading and decided to start binge watching Couples Therapy in order to distract my mind. I watched half the season before deciding to go to sleep but as soon as I exited out of it…the reemergence of my urge to text vomit appeared because I’m tired of being cut out of the lives of the kids every time I make one of the adults mad. But instead of falling into a trap that could get me “committed”…I’m snot crying at 1am…while turning my pain into a post.
At this point it’s clear they’re, once again, trying to condition my mind to think that something bad will happen anytime I speak up on behalf of a child that has no voice. But my ‘family’ has a long history of parents putting their kids in traumatizing situations that often never get addressed until that child is an adult. This forces the hand of my vocal cords to string together truths that speak to what I see…irrespective of how they feel about it. The consequence for this truth is my seclusion…which ignites my sense of helplessness…that leads me to exhaust every avenue possible to gain back my false sense of control. Seeing my own truth is the only reason I’m not in a maze of mania right now because their trigger attempt came right after my niece was sent on the play date I protested and I haven’t been able to check in with her energy since. Their timing is as convenient as it is perfect…for this crazy making ritual. Realizing they are attempting to trigger my fear…leaves me no other choice but to hand this over to the only One it belongs to…God. I’d rather worry myself with finding an outfit to crash this party in.
Next Day Edit: I went back to the chat. (SS’s below.) Another waste of perfectly good words.
Love,
Choosy
