Violation

These thoughts were triggered by the realization that I’m still the problem…

I tried not to talk about the Kendrick and Cole situation until Kdot responded but today…I was reminded why Cole’s apology was necessary. I fully support his decision to apologize because for anyone that has gone through the process of a spiritual awakening…the slightest separation from the transcendental energy you have fought so hard to align with...feels like sleep walking in the sunken place. And the sunken place doesn’t hold a candle to the feeling of not being ‘woke’. Judging from Cole’s ‘centered-self’ apology…he has spent time on his shadow work. But based off of ‘7 Minute Drill’…he came all that way just to let his shadow self talk him into two stepping with the pride he worked so hard to shed. It was hard to hear. Not so much because Kendrick directed most of his war words to ‘the other guy’…but because the shots taken by Cole exposed his vanity. Cole has gone out of his way to appeal to the ‘idgaf what you think about me’ school of thought. But the moment he had an opportunity to take a shot at one of the greatest philosophers of our generation…height was brought up…twice.

The 666’s is something I was made aware of when I started watching this YouTube dating show. Women consistently come on there requesting a man making six figures, who is six foot, and has six…yea. It’s a vain desire that is leaving a lot of women single…while simultaneously turning this ‘preference’ into the type of people who believe it’s a flex to take pride in attributes that you had nothing to do with creating. Making six figures can be the exception but even that is ultimately given to you from God. Either way…focusing on something a man can’t control…twice…is not a shot I expected a First Person Shooter to take. It told me that Cole still gets his validation through the eyes of socially accepted ideals and he cosigned my belief when he kept referencing other people’s opinions when giving the reasoning for his misguided response. I get it though. Allowing my ego to talk me into taking a step back that I will later have to repent for is something I do more than I care to admit. And doing it just to prove a point happens often too. If I’m being honest…I’ve already done this a few times in this blog alone.

Today…I proved another pointless point. I wasn’t watching where I was going and almost tapped someone with my car. When I realized what had almost happened I immediately apologized…several times. The person I almost tapped looked like they accepted my remorse but then…they gave me a passive aggressive driving directive that ignited indignation in me. After that I completely forgot I was in the wrong…and allowed my sharp tongue to slice an artery. The person who had every right to be frustrated then became enraged. And I double downed on my position while driving away. When I drove off I played the victim for a minute. I took offense to what had just been done tO Me and I justified my reaction by telling myself that all they had to do was accept my apology. But…I can’t tell someone how to respond to my disrespect. I initiated the wrong and I should have remained humble when given unsolicited correction from the person that my carelessness offended.

I thought about the interaction for a while before I dismissed it from my mind. But it kept pulling on my energy. When I got home I sat with why I was so annoyed. One of the things said by the impromptu drivers ed instructor was that it was their “right” to walk across without having to let a driver know they were there. That let me know that the biggest cause for this person’s eruption was feeling a sense of violation. I say that because they were actually waiting on the side of my car for me to see they were standing there…so saying I almost tapped them is an extreme exaggeration. And the volcanic eruption given in return seemed like something they had every intention of doing if given the opportunity. Nonetheless, feeling violated was clearly the issue which is why they attracted this test. Ignoring the feelings of others when I am in my feelings was my test and judging from our reactions…we both failed. So when I felt my peace being interrupted by this failure…I took the road less traveled…and repented like Cole.

The offense can’t be undone…so all I was left with was my imagination. I imagined what it must feel like to have been violated so much that you have a verbal explosion on the side of the road when almost violated again. That allowed me to see through their anger and empathize with how my actions impacted that person’s emotional state. My own vanity played a part in why I thought this person would take my apology and carry on. I honestly expected to be easily forgiven. My reaction to having the opposite take place revealed that I am still approaching life from an egotistically entitled perspective and that is why my spirit wouldn’t allow me to stop thinking about what happened. I asked for forgiveness from the person I violated (energetically)…and I asked for forgiveness from my Dad. Now, I too have to sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop. Because anyone intentionally submitting to the guidance of God knows that failing a test means that we are about to be taught a lesson. I pray that I have shed enough of my ego to elevate out of this position by the time it hits.

Love,

Choosy