NoChangeSpared

These thoughts were triggered by my acceptance of an unflattering word used by bloodline members to shame me into submission…

Change is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had the privilege of making. It’s uncomfortable, it feels foreign, and it gives me stinky stress sweat. I had fought against it for so long that the things I desperately needed to change started to appear normal to me. It seemed normal to pacify people with comforting lies that made me uncomfortable, it felt normal to allow people to treat me in ways that they are offended by when the tables turn, it felt normal to remain voiceless while allowing those with voices to talk down to me, and it felt normal to make myself small so that those around me could feel bigger than they actually are. It has taken me decades to comfortably change out of the comfort of my normality and into the version of me that purposefully makes everyone else uncomfortable…but the door was kicked in and the .44 was waved. (IYKYK) The issue that I’m having with this change is that all the problematic people, who benefited from the version I was before, now call me miserable…while desperately going out of their way to have me return to the me I was before I found comfort in my abnormality. I hate that for them.

It’s weird seeing people who I thought had it all together…be revealed as the ones who have been the “unstable creatures” all along. It’s even weirder when I acknowledge the fact that all these people had me convinced I was the only problem for so long. This is how familial gaslighting works though. The ones with the issues convince the issueless that they are the problem at an early age. Leaving the issueless no other option but to inherit all the issues from those projections. This is the only way my gaslighters have been able to comfortably coexist with me all this time. But if their coexistence is dependent upon selling me an illusion that changes me into something that I’m not, in order for them to avoid dealing with who they really are…how does my desire to change back suggest I’m the only problem? Unfortunately, this is the reality projected by most undiagnosed narcissists and I was born into a bloodline filled with them.

I did my best to live in the projects of their projections because I desperately wanted to keep these people, who convinced me of their importance, in my life. I believed them when their actions suggested that they knew more about what was best for me than I did. And I believed them when their words suggested that I should learn my place in their lives and stay fitted in that position until they gave me more wiggle room. The more I grew emotionally, the smaller that space I was given in their lives appeared to be. And eventually…I had to change positions. This change forced me to tell the truth…unapologetically. I was guided to start with my own truth first…I did this privately. The discomfort of those truths was so overwhelming that it forced me to publicly drag everyone else’s truth in. I refuse to be the only one offended by the discomfort of reality. So…did this change ultimately make me miserable? Most days. But the belief that misery loves company is also an illusion. It just loves forcing others to acknowledge that they have their days too.

Love,

Choosy